2015年3月1日星期日

The Essay Darft 1

Over the last few years, the social networking has growing in popularity over the world. It has become an integral part of human’s lives. According to the eMarketer report, that is around one in four people worldwide will use social network which is total 2.18 billion people [1]. Social media is a worldwide connectivity media and it has made people’s lives easier, for example, seeking a new job at home through the internet, real-time information sharing, free advertising, keep in touch with other people, and so on. However, by over use of social network can also has its downside. In recent years, studies show that there are 5.43 million children in British have experienced cyberbullying which is 70 percent of the young people [2]. Therefore, to prevent the increasing of cyberbullying and crimes cases against young people, two solutions are recommended: to restrict social media access for the whole country people and to give mass education to the people since they were young. 

The cases of cyberbullying and crimes against young people has become more and more serious in recent years. The Pew Research Center states that 27 percent of teens aged 11 to 16 have encountered cyberbullying once a month and 3 percent being cyberbullying every day [3].   Cyberbullying is almost same as the school yard bullying and it was defined as people use electronic communication to bully a person. Nowadays, many teenagers use social media like Facebook, Twitter, Wechat, and Whatsapp to bully other teenagers. Some of them use social media to scam money. Cyberbullying could have a negative impact on the children. It could bring children childhood shadow which cause the children become autistic and keep away from people. For example, Tyler Clementi freshman of Rutgers University who has committed suicide after his roommate spy on a same-sex encounter by used a webcam. His roommate posted the video about his behavior on Twitter [4]. In additional, Phoebe Prince has been bully by her classmate at school and followed her home with Facebook. She also received some bullying massages from social media and called name such as “whore” and “Irish slut”. After that Prince has hanged herself at home [5].  Therefore, the problem of cyberbullying must be cure.

One of the solutions to reduce cases of cyberbullying is blocking the social media. The government should restrict the social media access of young people. Therefore, these teenagers have no any platform to cyberbullying other people at anytime and anywhere. Some teenagers like to follow other people behaviors, they has copied other’s behaviors from social media such as YOUTUBE. By blocking social media, teenagers will not learnt those bad behaviors from social media and become criminals. There are some countries have blocked Twitter, Facebook and YouTube which are North Korea, Iran, China, Pakistan, and Turkey. Although this method can stop people cyberbullying, the school yard bully cases still exits.

Furthermore, another method to prevent cyberbullying is to enforce compulsory education. Since early beginning of the school, children have the chances to learn the right way to use social media and to be trained with the abilities of prevent from cyberbullying. There are some skills to stop cyberbullying, for example, look for signs of harassment, stop respond to the bully criminal, and block the person who was bullying. With these skills, children able to prevent themselves be the victims of the cyberbullying. Besides that, school should teach student how to respond when they were bullied. For example, they should save evidences and looking for helps from teacher or family. Therefore, the helper could reports the bully to the social media service providers. In additional, school must pay attention of teaching moral. Many of people think that moral is a useless and not important subject. From the beginning to the end, immoral was the key of every crime happened. If the person with moral, he would not do any actions will that hurt other person. Education is very important, it trained children able to distinguish right from wrong.

In conclusion, the social media not only make human’s lives easier but it provides the platform for the criminal to crime at anytime and anywhere. It is very important to against this problem. By blocking social media and the development of the education are the solutions to reduce or prevent cyberbullying and crime.



[1] eMarketer (2013). Social Networking Reaches Nearly One in the Four around the world, 18 June 2013. Retrieved from http://www.emarketer.com/Article/Social-Networking-Reaches-Nearly-One-Four-Around-World/1009976

[2] Jenny Q. Ta (2014). What Impact Has Social Media Truly Had On Society, 13 August 2014. Retrieved from http://www.business2community.com/social-media/impact-social-media-truly-society-0974685#MZzER5Pfchx3tHla.99

[3] AMANDA LENHART (2010). Cyberbullying 2010: What the Research Tells Us, 6 May 2010. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2010/05/06/cyberbullying-2010-what-the-research-tells-us/

[4] The New York Times (2012). Tyler Clementi, 16 March 2012. Retrieved from http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/c/tyler_clementi/index.html

[5] HELEN KENNEDY (2010), Phoebe Prince, South Hadley High School's 'new girl,' driven to suicide by teenage cyber bullies, 29 March 2010. Retrieved from http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/phoebe-prince-south-hadley-high-school-new-girl-driven-suicide-teenage-cyber-bullies-article-1.165911





1 条评论:

  1. General review:
    • There are 5 paragraphs.
    • The first paragraph consists of:
    o Background information on social networking
    o Problem stated: cyberbullying
    o 2 solutions stated
    • The second and third paragraphs state and elaborate the solutions.
    • The final paragraph summarizes the essay
    • The final paragraph is introduced with the phrase “In conclusion”
    • Each paragraph has a topic sentence.
    • The passive voice is used.
    • Linking words are used.
    • None of the sentences begin with ‘and’ or ‘but’.
    • There aren’t any examples of a sentence ending with the same word that the next sentence begins with.
    • The use of personalization is limited.
    • There is a bibliography and in-text citation.
    Comments:
    • Improve on word choice.
    o E.g. By blocking social media, teenagers will not learnt (have lesser exposure to) those bad (inappropriate) behaviors from social media and become criminals.
    • Phrase the sentences formally.
    o E.g. In additional, Phoebe Prince has been bully (was bullied) by her classmate at school and followed her home with Facebook.
    • Check the sentence structure again.
    o E.g. Education is very important, it trained children able to distinguish right from wrong.
    Education is very important; it trained children able to distinguish right from wrong. OR
    Education is very important as it trained children able to distinguish right from wrong.
    • Check grammar.
    o E.g. According to the eMarketer report, that is around one in four people worldwide will use social network which is total 2.18 billion people.
    According to the eMarketer report, there are 2.18 billion people, which is about one in four people worldwide, use social network.
    o E.g. children childhood shadow
    Childhood shadow

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